I have a beautiful story to share. One which brings a tear to my eye every time I think about it. Yet, at the same time an overwhelming feeling of love and appreciation for the beauty, magic and fragility of life.
Late on Monday 18th January 2016 we lost our gorgeous Ella Bella, our Border Collie.
We ‘accidentally’ adopted her back in 2011 when a friend asked us to look after her for four weeks and then decided he didn’t want her, so we kept her. We knew her from a puppy, and had dog sat her as a puppy, but hadn’t seen that friend in years. As soon as we got her I fell in love. She had the most beautiful mannerisms. She would flutter her eyelashes at you whenever she wanted a pat or cuddle. She was loyal, protective and lit up our lives.
Whilst I am head over heels in love with our other dog, Merlin who we’ve had since a puppy and is now seven years old, I had a different relationship with Ella. We shared a spiritual connection, which was only reaffirmed after her passing.
In the last few months of her life I had many intuitive messages come through about her passing. But either ignored them or didn’t understand them. I am quite an intuitive person, and often receive messages or images about what's to come. But understanding them is not something I have mastered.
- In November 2015 I was about to go through with our second IVF attempt. I nearly didn’t go ahead with the transfer because I had an intense and overwhelming feeling I was going to lose a baby in January. It was so intense that I actually considered canceling my transfer. I just didn’t know it would be Ella, who I called my baby girl.
- Also towards the end of 2015 I had an overwhelming feeling one of the dogs had to pass in order for me to get pregnant and to make space for new life. This message came through on quite a few occasions but I completely ignored this feeling because I thought it couldn’t be true, and life would be so unfair if it was.
- 2015 was a wonderful year for me. Challenging, but an amazing year. And I had high hopes for 2016 and positive vibes. However on January 1st I was consumed by the feeling that death was coming. I just couldn’t shake it. I just knew it was going to be someone close to me and was nearly paralysed by this feeling. It was so unbelievably intense and actually made me bedridden for a few weeks. I had even told my husband that I could feel someone was going to pass, and soon.
After her passing I realised that these messages were real, and told those close to me of these feelings that I’d had, that all came true.
I saw my kinesiologist a few days after her passing as I was not coping at all with her loss and I needed help to try move forward, and he (who is very spiritual and intuitive) told me Ella was there with us with a message, which was that she loved me, but had to leave to do what Border Collie’s do best and naturally... which is to protect and herd. She left to protect and herd our baby in the right direction, to help guide her towards us. Yes, Ella also told us it would be a baby girl. (Up until this point I was certain I would have a boy!).
We were meant to do an IVF transfer a few days after her passing. But I was too unwell and fragile, so we delayed it. I was so unwell that the specialist and my acupuncturist thought I would need a few months break to settle from past attempts as well as recover for the loss of Ella, which was tearing me apart. I was a mess mentally and physically. Blood tests showed that my hormones were haywire and I was told based on that my body wouldn’t accept a pregnancy as it was just too weak. But after receiving this message from my kinesiologist I believed that I owed it to Ella to be strong and do all that I could to heal and prepare myself for our next IVF transfer, even if it were to be few months away. After a week or so of intense grieving I began to move, to eat, to heal. At appointments over the coming weeks the doctors and acupuncturist were amazed by how quickly I was healing and my hormones rebalancing. They both agreed Ella was playing a part in this process (yes, even my beautifully square and non spiritual specialist!). So in February, only a few short weeks later, against all odds my body was open and accepting to a pregnancy. It was decided that miraculously I was ready for a transfer. Both Alex and I felt Ella’s presence on the day of the transfer and felt that it was our time. Two weeks later it was confirmed that we were pregnant, and now as I write this I am 22 weeks pregnant… with a little lady on board!
After Ella’s passing I had various discussions with people about spiritual connections, and spiritual soul mates. Ella was mine. We had a deep spiritual connection. She was my best friend, as well as my baby girl. I feel such a unique connection to her. It's really quite beautiful.
During her last few weeks I felt her pain. I was consumed by pain, but I didn’t know why. I didn’t know it at the time, I knew she was sick, but assumed she’d pull through as she’d been sick her whole life. In her last few days I struggled to be around her, and her around me. We both kept our distance because it was too painful to be around each other, and she knew how painful it was for me to see her suffering. On her last day she kept digging holes in the backyard and burying herself. Choosing her place to pass. She was ready.
We’d been trying to have a baby during her years with us. And it was a heartbreaking five years. However, if having her meant that our baby was being delayed, and her passing was to help bring that baby forth, I’m OK with waiting all these years for our bub, if it meant having her in our lives for the time that she was. She made me so happy. She lit up every moment of every day. And even when my entire wage was paying for her medical bills and existence I could not have been happier with her by my side.
On the night that she passed she visited me. I couldn’t see her, but I felt her and I felt where she was. She showed me she was no longer in pain and was in a place of freedom and pure bliss. It was so magical. I will never forget that moment, and that feeling. I am no longer so fearful of death, now that I feel I’ve had a glimpse into what exists on the other side.
Two days later Alex had to leave for a few days away. The morning he left I felt her jump up on the bed (which she was not allowed to do!) and rest in between us. I told Alex she was there, also saying her goodbye.
I felt her presence up until around our 13 week mark of this pregnancy. I could actually feel the very moment I believe she left and moved on. I truly believe this. Even Merlin started acting up after this exact day, acting like he needed another dog around all of a sudden. He was doing fine up until this point. He just reaffirmed that she had been hanging around.
Some say I’m crazy, others completely agree and even have similar situations where a beloved pet has passed, they miraculously fell pregnant after years of disappointment and can even see the personality traits of their best friend now in their growing child. I have never felt more sure of anything, my beloved Ella came into my life and taught me so much about health, happiness, love, life and death. I’m still unsure whether the little lady on board will have a little Ella in her, or whether Ella just did her part and is now running around in puppy heaven, ready for her next bodily experience. I do know there are many things that can never be explained, but we should be open to the possibility that magic exists and there is a higher power out there, somewhere, guiding us through this journey we call life.
